Exclusive: Muammar Gaddafi's Will
Muammar Gaddafi, 1942-2011, Rest In Peace
A friend of mine is a journalist for Al Jazeera. She has been chronicling the life of recently deceased Libyan political figurehead, Muammar Gaddafi, and just so happened to get her hands on his will. It is believed to have been written sometime in August or September of this year. Here it is, translated into English:
To My Beloved Family:
There are many cowardly jackals in our country who believe it is best for Gaddafi to leave his homeland and whisk about with the desert sands. Although Gaddafi has never been one to back down from his opposition and saddle the horse of defeat, the insatiable will of the rebels to ruin everything I have built has exhausted Gaddafi. Our deserters seem to have forgotten the revolutionary exploits of Colonel Gaddafi against the monarchical pigs those many years ago. Gaddafi was like an Arab Robin Hood with the military cunning of Napoleon, the political wizardry of Mao Zedong, and the rugged good looks of a young Clint Eastwood. All that seems to be forgotten now like an oasis to a bow-legged camel or sassafras to a Nepalese whore. Gaddafi thinks he only has the energy to muster one last stand against these ingrates. There seems to be a dark cloud looming over me and my life seems to be approaching its final hour. Gaddafi longs for Paradise and the embrace of many virgins. In case of my untimely death, Gaddafi would like to bequest his worldly possessions as follows:
To my wife, Safia:
I want you to travel to our secret wishing tree where Gaddafi first threaded your needle and did the Gaddafi naughty-time shuffle. The bark of that tree has been infused with an old Gaddafi family herbal remedy. Break off a piece of the bark and feed it to a female Glossy Ibis. That Glossy Ibis's first male chick will be the reincarnation of the Prophet Muhammad. Raise that chick to adulthood and prepare him for his destiny: to conspire with other Glossy Ibises to dismantle Israel.
To my son, Muhammad:
Because of your love of both shamelessly promiscuous women and firearms, Gaddafi has hired a group of former Playmates of the Year to become the new and improved Amazonian Guards. They will accompany you everywhere at all times. You deserve the best, for a disheveled shrew always wins at pinochle.
A friend of mine is a journalist for Al Jazeera. She has been chronicling the life of recently deceased Libyan political figurehead, Muammar Gaddafi, and just so happened to get her hands on his will. It is believed to have been written sometime in August or September of this year. Here it is, translated into English:
To My Beloved Family:
There are many cowardly jackals in our country who believe it is best for Gaddafi to leave his homeland and whisk about with the desert sands. Although Gaddafi has never been one to back down from his opposition and saddle the horse of defeat, the insatiable will of the rebels to ruin everything I have built has exhausted Gaddafi. Our deserters seem to have forgotten the revolutionary exploits of Colonel Gaddafi against the monarchical pigs those many years ago. Gaddafi was like an Arab Robin Hood with the military cunning of Napoleon, the political wizardry of Mao Zedong, and the rugged good looks of a young Clint Eastwood. All that seems to be forgotten now like an oasis to a bow-legged camel or sassafras to a Nepalese whore. Gaddafi thinks he only has the energy to muster one last stand against these ingrates. There seems to be a dark cloud looming over me and my life seems to be approaching its final hour. Gaddafi longs for Paradise and the embrace of many virgins. In case of my untimely death, Gaddafi would like to bequest his worldly possessions as follows:
To my wife, Safia:
I want you to travel to our secret wishing tree where Gaddafi first threaded your needle and did the Gaddafi naughty-time shuffle. The bark of that tree has been infused with an old Gaddafi family herbal remedy. Break off a piece of the bark and feed it to a female Glossy Ibis. That Glossy Ibis's first male chick will be the reincarnation of the Prophet Muhammad. Raise that chick to adulthood and prepare him for his destiny: to conspire with other Glossy Ibises to dismantle Israel.
To my son, Muhammad:
Because of your love of both shamelessly promiscuous women and firearms, Gaddafi has hired a group of former Playmates of the Year to become the new and improved Amazonian Guards. They will accompany you everywhere at all times. You deserve the best, for a disheveled shrew always wins at pinochle.
To Gaddafi's son, Saif al-Islam:
You disappoint me. All you get is a paper mache model of a statue I was going to dedicate to you before Gaddafi decided you had the diplomatic aptitude of a cross-eyed, misanthropic ostrich.
To my son, Al-Saadi:
Since Gaddafi knew you would never become a world-class footballer, I have been extorting several owners of prominent European clubs so that you can buy their best players from them and own and manage your own Libyan-based super team. Congratulations, may the football Gods be with you like Allah's effervescent kisses rise with the desert Sun.
To Gaddafi's son Hannibal Muammar:
Because you have always loved extravagant gold trinkets, I leave you Gaddafi's collection of gold Rolex watches, whose faces have been emblazoned with his portrait. Now, whenever someone asks you what time it is, you can flash a watch in their face and declare, "Gaddafi time!"
To my one-and-only daughter, Ayesha:
My princess deserves the best and the best only, so Gaddafi leaves you your great-grandmother's gold plated letter opener with a diamond-encrusted handle. This letter opener has a formidable blade and proves useful in intimidating witnesses. A fine tool for the finest of lawyers.
To my son, Moatassem:
Since you must carry on the Gaddafi military tradition, Gaddafi leaves you the mighty saif he carried during the 1969 revolution. Gaddafi snatched the life away from many men with this saif. It has been passed down through many generations, dating back to my great-great-great grandfather who dismembered 62 Egyptian minotaurs with this divine blade. Use it wisely. Oh yes, since your younger brother Saif recently died, I am leaving you my collection of Martian Manhunter comic books Gaddafi was going to bestow upon him. You're welcome.
To Gaddafi's son, Khamis:
Like Moatassem, you are also responsible for continuing Gaddafi's military legacy. To help ensure this is done the right way, I am giving you Gaddafi's 18th-century English dueling pistol. This is a pistol with a mysterious and legendary past, as it was stolen from the grave of the notorious pirate, Calico Jack. It then made its way into the possession of Aaron Burr, who used it to kill Alexander Hamilton in their famous duel. Some say Hamilton put a curse on the pistol, and all those who fall victim to its wrath are haunted by Hamilton's apparition in the afterlife. Use this gun's power like Poseidon uses the tender caresses of 1000 sea nymphs to tempt the weak into damnation.
All of Gaddafi's finances will be transferred into a private bank account, code name "MG<3'sCR
xoxo," which will be signed over to his muse and soul sister, Condoleezza Rice. She will have absolute control of this account and will designate a monthly allowance to all of you at her accordance. All praise be to Allah and Leezza.
xoxo," which will be signed over to his muse and soul sister, Condoleezza Rice. She will have absolute control of this account and will designate a monthly allowance to all of you at her accordance. All praise be to Allah and Leezza.
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