Excerpts From "Operation Zoop 103: A Survey to Determine Earthlings' Eligibility for Inclusion in the Intergalactic Committee of BFF Superraces"

My uncle works for the SETI Institute and he and his colleagues recently intercepted a message being transmitted between Earth and a far away galaxy. After analyzing the message, they discovered it was sent from Nashville, TN and received somewhere in the Messier 101 galaxy, 21 million light-years away. The transmission was a lengthy exchange between an alien named Faangulo, an intergalactic spy/bookkeeper of the Wiibul Moretti people, and his superior, Czar Lt. Whiffle. Faangulo was relating the contents of a report summarizing the results of a mission he was assigned to carry out on Earth. Here are some of the most captivating excerpts (please note the translation may have minor errors, some Morettishling words don't have English equivalents and vice versa):

From March 23, 2003:

The Earthlings from America started bombing the Earthlings from Iraq a couple days ago. The Earthlings haven't evolved much since the last Zoop survey in terms of using diplomacy and serenity chips to resolve disputes. President Busch believes Prime Dr. Saddam Hussein is hiding weapons of Earthling-scale material destruction. I did a Level 3 tele-scan on Dr. Hussein and he only had 4 WESMDs. One was intended for his ex-wife's private island in The Red Sea. Another was for Santa Claus' toy factory on the North Pole, a plan contracted to Iraq by Al-Qaeda as part of an anti-Christmas campaign intending to crush Western children's faith in Christianity. The third was to be sold to North Korea in exchange for information regarding the "Cartwheeling Honey Badger Meme Contingency Plan." The last warhead, "Divine Light," was to be saved for blowing up a potential asteroid heading to Earth, like in The Fifth Element ICBFFS traitor propaganda discus video. Both President Busch and Prime Dr. Hussein are dismantling invitation pride chips.

From September 2, 2005:

A nanotech vortex destroyed the U.S. city of New Orleans recently. On live television, an Earthling named Kanye West went above and beyond the call of duty to point out the American government's complicit apathy towards the plight of minorities. Ruby Rhod interrupted before Mr. Yeezy West said enough to be put on President Busch's waterboarding list. The American public proceeded to focus more energy on analyzing the hubbub surrounding West's befuddled outburst than on providing support for victims of the disaster. The Earthlings have demonstrated a stunted development of priority chips.

From November 5, 2008:

The Earthlings seem to be showing signs of progress. Many people from all nationalities are rejoicing at the Americans' election of a bi-racial President named Barack Hussein Obama. I was initially alarmed by this news because of "Barack"'s meaning in Morettishling: "streuselkuchen crusade." I was relieved to find that Earthling streuselkuchen is merely a delicious German cake, not an interdimensional anti-matter death blaster. Young, overly-optimistic people were particularly elated by Crumbcake Obama's election. They paraded through the streets of Washington, DC using steel trashcans as makeshift drums and spouting triumphant banter. Code Green Earthling 0836, Shea Kelly, who had long-since become disillusioned with the American political process, was excited about the prospect of a President with a vernacular that included real words and who was forthright about his previous marijuana usage. Mr. Kelly had the opportunity to join in the revelry of the spontaneous trashcan drum orgy, but he opted to return to his apartment to watch President-elect Obama's acceptance speech and smoke a marijuana vessel. In Crumbcake's honor, he didn't inhale.

From September 14, 2009:

The Earthling Yeezy West has been downgraded to Code Yellow. Last night he got inappropriately drunk at an awards show and stormed on stage to interrupt singer Taylor Swift's acceptance speech for a video trophy. He then spoke on behalf of his unwitting friend, the Earthling B. Fierce, in declaring what all male Earthlings had already unanimously decided: that "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)" was undoubtedly the best music video of all-time. Bootylicious singer/bionic-megatron, Mrs. Fierce, later resolved Kanye's blackout-induced temper tantrum by inviting Swift on stage to finish her speech while Beyonce was accepting her own music video trophy. President Streuselkuchen Crusade Obama concluded Mr. West's reprimanding by calling him a "jackass." Both Crumbcake and singing megatron Beyonce have been upgraded to Code Green for their actions.

From May 2, 2011:

Code Aquamarine 1488, Gandalf the Durka bin Laden, is deceased. I found no trace of his nanotech cloak and bodice. The Americans, as they have demonstrated for several surveys now, are prematurely and exorbitantly celebrating the destruction of an antiquated proxy of our eternal enemies, the Crab People of Earthling Mantle. Once again, the Earthlings have failed to uncover the true nature of another brainchild of the meddling Crab People. Our intel on the Crab People's next nanotech weapon will not be disseminated to the Earthlings. I haven't seen the Earthling's skepticism chips this low since Zoop 79, circa 1 CE Earthling time.

From October 31, 2011:

Found Elvis. I did a DNA scan and it's the real one this time. He was in a remote cabin in the Great Smoky Mountains playing both sides of a beer pong game. I will tele-scribe his memory and download it into the mothership's computer archives upon my return.